In the past several weeks, I have been on the threshold of recovery's door demonstrating a balancing act most trapeze artists would be in awe of. Each time I have found myself faced with which direction to step, each time, I somehow found the strength to step towards change and recovery.
In my opinion recovery is different for every one. So I had to stand back and ask myself “What is recovery to me?” Is recovery the switch that has gone off in my head which says, “Fight harder! You are not going to let this control you anymore!”? Is it the ghost of a friend saying, “What are you doing?! I had no choice in my death, you do! Wake up!”? Is recovery the hope and dream to one day wake up and never have to think about food? Is it the chance to finally be comfortable with my body image, to love and accept myself for who I am, imperfect and flawed? Is recovery realizing I can't change the past and to understand I will never know or control my future? To me, recovery is finding the answer to all of those questions. But more importantly it is finding the inner strength to not only continue on a positive path to recovery but to one day say I beat this.
For awhile now I have been confused when people have told me I am strong person. How can I be so strong when I have never felt so weak and defeated before. But I am slowly coming to realize strength isn't how far you can run, or how much weight you can lift, or even how much emotional baggage you can endure without breaking. Strength is knowing when you are weak. Strength is asking for and accepting help. Strength is realizing you have the power inside of you to break the on going cycle and accept change as a necessary and positive force. Strength is understanding you are not truly able to help others until you have helped yourself. Strength is learning and growing from each set back that comes with being in recovery. Recovery isn't easy, but nothing in life worth having ever is. Finding the will to keep moving forward is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have been given one life and I know doing anorexia forever is not the way I want to spend it.